Merely Promoting Middle School Sex is for Amateurs

***ThirteenFox.com Original Satire***

by John Cylc

July 7, 2021

Recently, the Chicago Public School System announced that condom machines would be available to students even in their middle schools. Their claimed goal is to “keep students healthy and safe.”

Rather than stopping at this small effort of giving the city’s children a taste of adulthood, Chi-town officials have decided to also install cigarette machines in the schools newly christened chain of “Lori Lightfoot Bar and Casino” cafeterias. Lunch money can be exchanged for casino chips of all denominations. Daily drink specials will be available for students to complement their Michelle Obama-approved, flavorless meat substitute products.

Initially rejected by the Chicago City Council, the opportunity to recoup money from the public-school children made the members reconsider and eventually approve the program. Despite outrage from Chicago’s more conservative groups, Democratic officials lauded the opportunity to teach children additional math using table games while the enjoy their lunches.

“You can’t win at 21 without having to add your cards together”, one anonymous principal stated. He then added that “the calculations of percentages for roulette and figuring the odds of craps will ensure our students are ready for the city’s high schools and their recent opium den/brothel additions.”

Organized protests objecting to these controversial programs were made by the Chicago Catholic Diocese, whose bingo games were shut down years ago. “We want our slice of the pie”, declared a church official. “If the poor are being squeezed for cash, isn’t it only fair that we get to participate”?

Officials rejected these protests, instead touting an anticipated drop in street crime due to the controlled environment in which school kids will now be capable of getting drunk, high, and laid.

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